Now or Never: The Traitor Heart
by TaciturnDancer
Summary: AU. Established Fiona/Charlie, eventual Fiona/Holly J. Holly J watches Fiona and Charlie grow closer, and she should be happy, right? So why is she hurting so much, and why would she do anything to put a stop to it? Discontinued.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi, would I be writing fanfiction about things I want to happen IN Degrassi? **

**A/N: I guess you could say, shoe's on the other foot now. So... if you don't like angst, and a lot of it, Folly J, mopey Holly J, or Farlie, don't read any further than this. Waffle. If you fall in the aforementioned category and read 'Waffle' and are currently reading this, you're doing it wrong. Go back to the beginning of this note, and try again.**

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><p>It started with good enough intentions, after all, Fiona deserved to have someone that would love her- could love her. With confidence, Holly J somehow knew that Charlie could be that person for her brunette friend. Charlie could be the person that finally allowed Fi to get over her. She didn't deserve to have that kind of heartache that came with loving someone that could never return it.<p>

Days and weeks went by, with Holly J carefully organizing date after date for them, and on top of Charlie moving in with Fiona, things couldn't have been better for the two. But it just couldn't be that simple, could it? Things always had to end badly, at least for her. That was the pattern for Holly J; to be loved, then feared or hated, to have her desires yanked away so cruelly that it left her gasping and weeping.

This time, it wasn't Declan on New York or Yale that caused it, but it was in that same circle of things that made up her shiny, yet fragile, glass world. This time it was closer to her heart than any of them, and Holly J was lucky it was ripped away slowly, otherwise she was sure the loss would be fatal.

It was Fiona.

Holly J wasn't certain when it started; wasn't sure when things changed. But they had. She had helped them change, unknowing of the consequences. Now, whenever she was with Fiona, all she saw was Charlie. The woman was rarely there on the occasions they hung out, occasions that were becoming fewer and father between, but still whenever she saw Fiona, Charlie was there.

She saw it in the light in her eyes, the faint smile that threatened to appear in full force at any moment, the airy way she moved that spelled _love_. And she heard it in her laugh, like chimes, that occasionally came up at the oddest of times, as if reminded of something Charlie had said. Felt it, in the way Fiona neither leaned into or shrank away from her touch anymore.

Finally, she smelt it. It was an odd thing, how you could _smell_ the change, but Holly J could. Fiona had once smelled crisp, clean, like the morning after a storm, with just the lightest touch of honey. Holly J knew it like she knew the sky was blue and her hair was red. Another thing she knew was after Fiona had drunken champagne, aside from her eyes, or her breath, or demeanour, the fourth thing that always gave it away without fail was the lingering odour of strawberry. Fiona's choice of bubbly was floral and fruity, and left the trace scent of it around her for the rest of the day. Now though, Fiona's fragrance was completely different. It was sharp at first, like cinnamon, a little woodsy too. Then, below that, she smelled just a little bit like Mister Tuxedo Pants. It wasn't a bad thing, he didn't smell awful, but it was unique. Holly J thought it was because Charlie gave him regular baths.

Holly J hated it. If she were just a few years younger, she would have clenched her fists and stomped her feet and hollered, that was how much she hated it. But she wasn't a young teenager anymore, she was an adult, and so she smiled and said nothing, though she secretly loathed the changes. Once, she had gotten close to breaking though. It had been about three weeks after Charlie had moved into Fiona's condo. She and Fi had made plans to have a girls' movie night and sleepover, as they had been doing every week since the year had started. Holly J had gotten there ten minutes early, bright eyed and bushy-tailed, in her brand new top that was a trifle fancy for watching _Mean Girls_ with a friend.

She had rapped at the door, trying to make her smile a little less wide. Charlie had opened the door, which helped Holly J's smile become less freakishly enthusiastic, and she stepped into the large apartment. Fiona greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek; now it was Holly J who shrank away just slightly at the action, and they had gone into the living room with the flat screen HD TV. Movie night was a go, and everything was fine, though it would've been better without Charlie's presence.

Soon enough, the movie was over, and a choice was made to watch a second movie. Holly J immediately voted for Black Swan, which she knew Fiona had there, which earned her a playful look from Fiona. _Two lesbian-ish movies in a row? You know I won't burst into flames if I see hetero things, you know_,the look said, but Holly J insisted anyways, and was eventually won over Fi with the help of Charlie. Once again, the movie ended all too soon, though it had already entered the early AMs. Holly J got up and made to go into Fiona's room, as per usual, but one little sentence stopped her and turned her blood to ice.

"Why don't you sleep in the guest room, Holly J?" Slowly, she turned, a curious but pained look on her face that both of the other girls pretended not to see.

"I thought it was Charlie's room?"

"It… was." _Was. _The redhead's mouth turned into a small 'o' and she nodded and turned in her path towards Fiona-_andCharlie_'s room, to the now-guest room. She slunk in, softly closing the door and slipping into the bed still fully clad in jeans and a dress top. _Was_. The simple little word echoed in her head, and Holly J pretended not to notice her own breathing had become ragged, and her face was moist.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This update would have come a little sooner, but livejournal was being pissy. Anyways, thank you to everyone that story alerted/favorited/reviewed/ect.**

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><p>The second major change had come not even a week later, this one proving much more public and much more obvious that things <em>had<em> changed between the two seniors. Just thinking about those moments in which her world turned upside down would cause the redhead to pale for years afterward. If anyone tried to ask her what had happened, or why it was such a big deal, Holly J would never be able to come up with what classified as a real reason. Most of the time when this occurred, she would hang her head, her flame-coloured hair casting a shadow over her usually lively eyes. It made her felt like she was in primary school and being told by her teacher that 'cause' wasn't a reason.

Still though, to her that was reason enough. And why shouldn't it be? It wasn't every day you were completely humiliated in front of your classmates, and have all of the cracks in your relationship with your dearest friend shown off. It didn't matter that most of them were indifferent about what happened, or didn't realize the gravity of it, or just didn't pay attention or care, it had happened.

It was the final day for the fitting of grad robes, and Fiona had been there getting fitted with the rest of them- she had taken a few night classes from some of the teachers to get the credits she was missing, so she could graduate with her class and go to Yale in the fall- though she frequently complained that she'd rather wear Charlie's art smock than the plain navy robes. That in and of itself had caused Holly J to cringe; a fact not lost on Anya, who was as always too perceptive for her own good.

Finally, the fitting was completed, and with some time before their next period, another senior had suggested they all change into their dresses and have a mini-fashion show. After a few reluctant girls were convinced, they grabbed their dresses that were being stored for the rapidly approaching graduation. Simpson had thought up that one as, in his words, _a precaution against having the aforementioned dress code for the event being severely broken. _In other words (or rather, Anya's), they all handed their outfits for the shindig over, to make sure they didn't show up looking like a bunch of skanks.

As Holly J started to change, like the other seniors, however, Fiona had suddenly grown very uncomfortable in the room, quickly departing from it to change in the bathroom instead. Once again, this had not been lost on Anya, or Chantay either. Holly J knew that if Chantay had picked it up, chances were others had as well, though it was doubtful they knew it was abnormal.

Abnormal turned into downright bizarre when Fiona never returned, and bizarre turned to downright fucking strange when throughout the entire outfit show-off, Holly J had not one critical thing to say about another's dress, and there were some damn weird ones, no doubt inspired by the Lady Gaga craze. When the block had finally ended, the redhead had rushed out of the room with her head down, and neither her nor Fiona were seen the rest of the day. While the next morning, Fiona had returned, citing a sudden bout of sickness as reason for her absence, Holly J was still missing.

It had taken quite a toll on her, to have Fiona suddenly treat her differently, treat her like some sort of lecher, or a complete stranger, or a jealous hag; which she wasn't, really she wasn't, she told herself. But Fiona must have seen Holly J as that, why else would she leave so suddenly? It wasn't as if Fiona hadn't changed in front of Holly J or the rest of the class before, or vise versa. As she sat in her room with her head held in her hands that day, Holly J couldn't help the ironic thought that seeped into her head, wondering if this is how Fi had felt when Holly J awkwardly got Anya to zip up her dress, and then tried to set her up with the LGBT club's treasurer.

The next day though, was perhaps worse than the two previous; the day of the incident was bad because of the initial horror and embarrassment, sure, and the next dreadful because of the time the redhead gave herself to reflect on those events, and the ones that had lead up to it, but no contest the third day was just plain horrid due to how people _acted_. It was bad enough that their fellow classmates seemed to stare at Holly J at any chance they got, but how Chantay, Anya, and Fiona acted… Holly J was sure she must have somehow died on the way to school, and this was Hell. Those glances and whispers between Chantay and Anya when they thought she didn't see or hear, Chantay's forced chipper demeanour, Anya's lack of nosiness, and Fiona's lack of _anything_. In fact, the brunette hadn't said more than five words to Holly J all day, and she had been counting. They had been exactly, 'Hi', 'Cafeteria food sucks', and 'Sorry' when she had accidentally bumped into Holly J in the hallway, which never happened given normally they walked to their various classes together.

Holly J couldn't shake the feeling that she had royally messed up, because frankly, having to go through seeing Fiona being sappy with Charlie, hearing about how awesome their dates went, how sweet she was, and having movie nights only to end up sleeping in the guest bedroom because she and Charlie now shared a bed was so much better than this.

A week had passed since that fateful night, and there was no invitation for Holly J to come over for a movie and sleepover.


	3. Chapter 3

Of all of the things that had happened that year, the worst had to have occurred when Holly J was completely alone. Recently, Anya had become distant, even moreso than she already had been. Usually when Anya withdrew, it was due to something malevolent Holly J had done, or harsh words that had hit too close to home. But this time, she couldn't think of a single thing she had done for Anya to avoid her. It's not like she was the only one that was affected, either. Even Owen had approached her one day, wondering why Anya was being like this; had she told Holly J anything? Of course, she had not. In the rare occasions where Anya did speak to her, it was never more than five words at a time, and she seemed to find great fascination with inanimate objects around her.

Then there was Fiona. Since the fashion-show incident, they had made amends. Or rather, they had pretended nothing had ever happened; Holly J did so because acknowledging it had happened would mean acknowledging that she had, indeed, noticed it, and was bothered by it. She didn't know why Fiona had done it, but she did suspect it was due to Charlie telling her that she should, for whatever reason. But despite their relationship being more or less patched up and thrown back together with a sloppy bandage, they still hadn't had another movie night, and when they saw each other outside of school, almost all of the time it was at The Dot. They hadn't even talked on the phone in god knows how long; whatever length of time it _had_ been, it must be abnormal for them.

Chantay damn near useless. Aside from making peppy and not at all comforting remarks such as, 'Cheer up', 'It'll be alright!' or even 'I'm so sorry', the only thing she was good for was giving Holly J fashion advice on the shrinking number of occasions she left the house. But all the same, there she was, inhabiting the space in her life that was normally reserved for Fiona or Anya, buzzing about like a fly that just won't land so you can crush it with a swatter.

She had even contacted Declan once via video chat. Needless to say, it had been one of the most awkward experiences of Holly J's young- and slowly ending- life. He had answered after twenty seconds. Five was normal, ten was hesitant, and thirty was 'I was thinking about pretending I'm not here'. And so, twenty was the allotted 'Hey, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend' time. Then came the simple greeting, a hello. Nothing more, nothing less. It was curt, friendly, and businesslike. She greeted him back, and they talked for a while. Small talk for rich folk, really. Instead of queries about families, it was a discussion on the stock market. Instead of discussing the weather, it was questions about the newest fashions by the most famous designers. Then, the real reason for the talk reared it's ugly head, and as a result, she had to tell him why she wasn't talking to Fiona about this.

He was sweet, kind, and empathetic, and it made Holly J feel sick.

Finally she hung up, and fell face first into her comforter. Some comfort it brought. Her mind was a jumbled mess of worry and depressed thoughts and even one that though she refused to acknowledge yet, still nagged in the back of her head, just waiting for the day, the time where Holly J finally caved and let it jump right into the spotlight of her mind.

Holly Jeanette Sinclair was dying.

And she would die alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Holly J sighed, watching the tube in her arm siphon her blood out and back into her body. She really hated dialysis, but now she had to put up with it every day, and even that wasn't really helping. All it was doing was delaying the inevitable. She really needed that kidney. And as it turned out, she had a relative with the kidney she needed. But that relative wanted money Holly J simply didn't have.

She sighed again. If only kidneys were as useless as appendixes, and when they broke you could just pop them out and continue walking around without a worry. Holly J remembered when she was much younger, Heather getting appendicitis and complaining for weeks about the scar. Now she could match, for the low, low, price of twenty g's.

Twenty grand… jesus. With a cringe, Holly J realized that if the roles were reversed, she'd do the exact same thing. She'd like to think that she'd at least go for a lower price, though. It was highway robbery, really. She was slowly dying, and if she didn't die she'd probably lose Yale, and if not either of those, she'd drain almost all of her family's remaining money.

Needless to say, Holly J wasn't a very happy camper, but at least she had the presence of mind to suffer in silence. The last thing she needed was false sympathy from her peers, should they realize where she disappeared to every day during last period. They did notice though, and were beginning to wonder what was going on; Sav especially. Though they didn't talk much, he was really the closest thing Holly J had to a real friend right now. As Anya would eloquently put it if she were commenting on the situation, 'A quality friend, not a quantity friend'.

The redhead felt her eyes start to droop sleepily; dialysis took a lot out of her- literally. In fact, she was sleeping some twelve or thirteen hours each day, plus about an hour for dialysis, six for school, about an hour spent either eating or going to the bathroom (not exactly exciting, but vital nonetheless), maybe another hour for getting ready each morning and night, which left a grand total of four hours to do whatever she so pleased. Which in reality, was spent doing homework or things for student council. Yes, she may be 'resting up', but her schedule was just as crammed and strenuous as it was before, if not moreso.

Holly J's eyes snapped open as she felt a hand on her shoulder. For a fleeting second, she was sure it was Fiona- had to be- but felt herself horribly let down as she looked into the eyes of the doctor. He offered her a tense smile, disconnecting her from the dialysis machine and then helping her to her feet. They nodded at each other as they had been doing for the past weeks, and an understanding passed between them. The doctor frowned and enveloped the girl in a hug, which she numbly returned.

What had unintentionally been passed between their gazes had been the knowledge of the idea, still lurking at the back of Holly J's mind but very slowly creeping forewords. The doctor knew it was there, now, and as a result, Holly J finally had to accept that the idea was there. It had grown. And it was now lurking and malevolent, just waiting in the darkness for the day she would let her guard down, and then it would swoop at her like a monster in the closet at a small child.

Now they both knew, that if it came down to it, and Holly J became too sick, that she wouldn't return to dialysis. The redhead would kill herself before she became that weak.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm sorry this is so horribly depressing so far guys. It starts getting a little happier soon though. Mostly because even I can't stand it, and I'm the dang author.**

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><p>When Fiona showed up at Holly J's apartment the next day, she couldn't help but be a little surprised. It had been almost two weeks since they had <em>actually <em>said more than three words at a time to each other; not that Holly J hadn't tried to repair the damage she had accidentally done. It was still a mystery how Fiona had figured out the turmoil of pain, love, and jealousy brewing within her. Not that the girl wasn't smart- of course she was, both of the Coyne siblings were among the brightest people Holly J ever had the pleasure of encountering- but could she truly have been that obvious? She desperately hoped not, but then again, as reluctant as she was to admit and accept it, that night at Fiona's she had cried herself to sleep. She thought it had been a silent weeping, but even if it were, Fiona very well could've checked on her during the night- she was always the type to do that, though she would rarely let you know about that tendency of hers- and noticed the tracks. Even then though, Fiona probably would've assumed that it had to do with her health or stress, not _._

So how obvious must she have been?

Nonetheless, there Fiona stood at Holly J's landing, and the redhead would have known exactly why she was there, even without the mascara marring Fiona's otherwise perfectly pale cheeks. Someone had told her, and Holly J had three guesses who it had been. The only people she had even spoken to within the past week. The only people who would care enough to contact Fiona. The only people who had an inkling towards how desperate and ill Holly J really was. Where the overlap was, she had her answer. And if she had just been a little more careful of what she let show in her eyes, and she had realized a little sooner just why that young doctor looked and sounded so familiar, maybe she could've avoided this. But Doctor Liam Christopoulos had seen her with her walls down, and now Fiona knew. God, if there was one thing Holly J hated more than being physically weak it was being mentally weak. But now, she was both, and the one person she didn't want to know about it did.

Holly J tried to step out of the way to let Fiona in, just a moment after opening the door and all that had gone through her mind, but was instead jerked forewords with all the protective ferocity of a mother bear for her cubs. She felt herself being engulfed in a bone-breaking hug, distantly thinking that it'd be a miracle if she didn't feel that in the morning. Then, she snapped out of her slight trance, becoming hyperaware of Fiona's arms wrapped around her shoulders, the fingers of her right hand brushing against her neck, and the darker-haired girl's lips just barely brushing the shell of her ear, sending out slight vibrations as she harshly whispered to Holly J.

"You giant idiot, _god _why didn't you tell me? I feel like such an asshole, Holly J, but oh my _god_ don't you dare ever think about leaving me again, do you hear me?"

That was what it took to turn whatever pleasure Holly J had been feeling due to her proximity with Fiona to vanish, to set her blood aboil, and make her stomach churn. She yanked herself away from Fiona; though she was weak and Fiona's grip had been vice, she was released instantly.

"You don't get to make that call, Fi!" Perhaps a month ago yelling at the top of her lungs in a semi-public place would've been embarrassing to Holly J, but with her nerves on end and her emotions running high, that had changed. "You don't get to make any calls anymore. You can't just waltz in here and hug me and make me feel like everything's okay when it's _not._ You don't get to choose wether or not I live or die, and you sure as hell don't get to choose the manner in which I die! You don't have a choice, because you aren't a part of my life. And even if you were, you've never been a big enough part of it to make that choice for me. You're not family. And you sure as hell aren't my… my… betrothed!" Holly J's voice had cracked sometime during her rant, and she finished hoarsely and out of breath.

The stricken look on Fiona's face was all it took for Holly J's stomach to make a desperate heave which she fought, swallowing back the bile that had risen in her throat. Holly J then hung her head, realizing that her face was damp- once again- with those damned tears as she made her way back into her apartment. She closed the heavy wooden door on Fiona, noticing for the first time she hadn't moved an inch since Holly J wrenched out of her grasp, and her chest was vibrating in the way it always did when you tried to fight tears and were losing.


	6. Chapter 6

An hour later Holly J had found herself dragging her feet across the ancient linoleum of her kitchen floor. Her hair was damp; she had taken a shower in that hour, turning the temperature up as high as it would go, which was still much too low for her liking at the time. As much as she would have liked to curl up and continue crying as she had for the remainder of the last sixty minutes, she had dragged herself out of her painfully cramped room, reminding herself she needed to take out the trash then make herself dinner. Not that there was any point in eating, she was just going to end up in a casket six feet underground anyways. But still, life had to go on, at least for a few more weeks, and she couldn't just let herself rot away while trash and dust piled up over her not-home.

And so, she heaved the large black plastic bag over her shoulder, groaning at the effort it took for her tired muscles. Pathetic, she could hardly even take out the trash now, she thought as she pushed the dizzy stars before her gaze away. Food and sleep could come later, she needed to do this _now._ She had to prove to herself she could do it, this simple little task that even a first grader could accomplish easily. Walking across the minuscule apartment, she wrenched open the door and this time was hit with vertigo again, this time not caused by hefting a full garbage bag over her shoulder.

Fiona was still there.

Holly J fought back the instinct to drop the bag and immediately rush over to Fiona's side, to pull her up from her position half-lying in the fetal position on the dirty hallway carpet, to hug her until she stopped those endless silent tears, to kiss them away and gently thread her fingers through Fiona's thick curls…

Instead, she strode directly past Fiona who seemed to not even see her. Instead, she lifted the garbage bag off of her shoulder, holding it with one hand as she wrenched open the garbage chute with the other, and shoved the bag into the dark metal tube. And then, with that done, she found herself unable to stand, the exhaustion that had been creeping up on her the last few days taking over her as she slumped to the ground directly across from Fiona. Her last conscious sight was that of Fiona blinking to herself and lifting her face up, looking utterly shocked by Holly J sitting on the other side of the hall, her breathing ragged and her face flushed and feverish.

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><p>When she awoke, the first thing she registered was that wherever she was didn't smell like the mildew in her crummy little apartment. Then she noticed the blankets draped over her, and the pattern on them left no question where she was, if the sight of the familiar room she was in didn't. Holly J shot upwards, ripping the damp cloth lying across her forehead off of her face and launching herself off of the bed and out of the room into the main room of Fiona's condo.<p>

She found the brunette in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and watching a kettle of tea boil. Somehow, the sight of that kettle, with the small mug with the slight chip in it sitting next to her that was officially known as Holly J's Fiona mug was what caused Holly J to enter a state of rage. It was known as this to them because of the numerous times Holly J had used that particular mug, and then had one day accidentally dropped it, chipping the mug and staining the carpet with the coffee that had been in it. The rug had been replaced, and the mug would have been too, if not for Holly J insisting that Fiona keep it. After that day, Holly J was the only one that ever used the mug, and even though Fiona was the owner of the mug, they and Anya knew that it was actually Holly J's.

The owner of the loft turned her head towards the sound of footsteps, noticing it was Holly J and beginning to speak before the redhead stood before her, pinning her against the marble counter. "Holly J, you're up! Don't strain yourself too much, you were running a fever of one hundred and two when I… Holly J?" She stared into Holly J's tumultuous orbs, utterly flabbergasted by the girl's actions before she spoke, just as harshly as she had in the hall outside of her apartment, if not moreso.

"You're not allowed to do this! You're not allowed to take care of me, don't you get that? You should've just left me there. I don't need your help, or your charity, or your sympathy. I don't need anything from you!"

"Holly J, you were sick; you are sick. You passed out in the middle of a hall-"

Fiona was all but silenced by Holly J's lips on hers, urgent and needing, her fingers tangling in the airy fabric of Fiona's top. It was then that things truly took a turn for the worse.


End file.
